Have you ever noticed how one particular person can make you feel anxious before you've even spoken to them?
Maybe it's your boss, a parent, a sibling, or an in-law. You see their name pop up on your phone, or you know you'll be seeing them at a family gathering, and you can already feel yourself tensing up.
You start thinking about what you'll say, how they'll react, and what you can do to avoid another unpleasant interaction.
It's exhausting. And sometimes the hardest part is that you can't quite explain why this person gets under your skin so much.
Why Narcissistic Behavior Can Make You So Anxious
People with strong narcissistic traits may have difficulty accepting criticism, taking responsibility, or considering someone else's perspective.
A simple disagreement can turn into an argument. Your concerns may be dismissed. Or somehow, you find yourself apologizing when you weren't the one who did anything wrong.
Sometimes they insist that something happened a certain way, even when you remember it very differently. They may genuinely believe their version of events, or they may be unwilling to acknowledge another perspective.
You explain what happened. You try to clarify. You present the facts.
And you get nowhere.
Over time, these interactions can leave you feeling anxious, frustrated, and constantly on guard.
Unpredictability doesn't feel safe.
When you never know how someone will react, it's understandable that you begin anticipating trouble.
But anticipating trouble and preventing it are two very different things.
The Myth of Saying It Just Right
Have you ever been told to be careful how you say something to a difficult person?
Choose your words carefully. Watch your tone. Don't say anything that might upset them.
It sounds like reasonable advice.
But when someone repeatedly twists your words, assumes negative intentions, or reacts unpredictably, that advice can become an impossible assignment.
You can be thoughtful, respectful, and perfectly reasonable, and they may still interpret your words as criticism, disrespect, or an attack.
I think of the belief that you can always prevent someone's reaction by finding exactly the right words as a wish.
And anxiety loves that wish.
Anxiety tells you that if you think things through carefully enough, you can prevent the next unpleasant interaction.
So you rehearse conversations. You second-guess yourself. You walk on eggshells.
But here's the problem:
You cannot control how another person interprets what you say.
Of course, how we communicate matters. Being clear, respectful, and professional is important.
But communicating appropriately is different from taking responsibility for someone else's reactions.
And once you understand that distinction, you can begin letting go of an enormous amount of unnecessary anxiety.
Don't Take the Bait
One of the most useful things you can learn when dealing with someone with narcissistic traits is that you don't have to respond to every provocative comment.
Imagine you're giving your boss an update on a project.
You've presented the facts, explained what you've accomplished, and shared what comes next.
Your boss responds, "That's all? I thought you'd have gotten more done by now."
Your instinct might be to defend yourself.
You start explaining how much work you've done, why certain things took longer than expected, or why your progress is reasonable.
And before you know it, you're caught up in another exhausting conversation.
But what if you simply said:
"Yes, that's everything I have for today."
And stopped talking?
No lengthy explanation. No defensiveness. No attempt to convince the other person that you've done enough.
A strategy sometimes called gray rocking can be helpful in certain situations. It involves keeping your responses brief, neutral, and matter-of-fact rather than getting drawn into an emotional exchange.
You're not being rude or dismissive. You're simply choosing not to participate in an unnecessary argument.
Of course, if your boss has a legitimate question about your work, you should answer it. And in workplace situations, documenting important expectations, decisions, and accomplishments can be valuable.
But a snide remark doesn't automatically require a defense.
You can acknowledge what's been said without accepting the invitation to argue.
Change Your Expectations, Not Just Your Responses
One of the biggest sources of frustration in these relationships is expecting the other person to respond the way you would.
You might think that if you explain yourself clearly enough, they'll finally understand.
Or that if you're reasonable and considerate, they'll respond in kind.
But what happens when they don't?
You explain yourself again. You try harder. You become increasingly frustrated and anxious.
Sometimes the most helpful change is accepting that you may not receive the understanding, accountability, or validation you're hoping for.
That doesn't mean their behavior is acceptable.
It means recognizing what you can and cannot control.
You can decide how you respond. You can set limits on conversations. You can choose what information to share and which disagreements are worth pursuing.
And you can stop measuring the success of an interaction by whether the other person finally agrees with you.
The goal isn't to win every argument. It's to protect your emotional well-being.
When Today's Anxiety Has Roots in Yesterday
Sometimes the anxiety you experience around a difficult boss, family member, or other person feels surprisingly intense.
You may wonder why someone else's mood or criticism affects you so deeply, especially when you're a capable adult who handles plenty of other challenges without difficulty.
But sometimes these reactions have roots in childhood.
If you grew up with a parent who was unpredictable, critical, or emotionally volatile, you may have learned to pay very close attention to their moods.
You watched what you said. You tried not to upset them. You learned to anticipate trouble before it happened.
Those strategies may have helped you navigate your childhood.
But years later, you may find yourself responding similarly to someone who reminds you of that parent.
And here's something I want you to understand:
Of course you feel anxious. Unpredictability didn't feel safe then, and it may not feel safe now.
But there's an important difference.
You're not that child anymore.
You have choices today that you didn't have growing up.
You can end a conversation. You can set boundaries. You can decide how much time and energy you're willing to spend engaging with someone.
Sometimes it helps to remind that younger part of yourself:
"I've got you. You're safe with me now. You can relax."
Grounding yourself in the present can help, too.
Feel your feet on the floor. Notice your surroundings. Remind yourself where you are, how old you are, and what choices you have today.
You may not be able to prevent that initial surge of anxiety, but you can learn to respond to it differently.
Instead of criticizing yourself for feeling anxious, you can offer yourself understanding and reassurance.
And instead of reacting as though you're still powerless, you can begin making choices from the capable adult you are today.
You Don't Have to Cut Someone Out of Your Life
It's easy to hear advice about difficult people that boils down to one thing: Walk away.
But real life is rarely that simple.
You may love your parent despite their behavior. You may want to maintain family relationships. You may need your job and have no intention of leaving because of a difficult boss.
Fortunately, ending a relationship isn't the only way to improve your experience of it.
You can learn to recognize patterns, set realistic expectations, establish boundaries, and respond without getting pulled into every argument.
Of course, some relationships are harmful enough that greater distance or additional support may be necessary. And when someone is abusive or retaliatory, protecting your safety and livelihood may require a different approach.
But there's no single answer that fits every situation.
The Relief of Responding Differently
One of the things I love about my work as a psychologist is helping women understand why certain relationships affect them so deeply.
Often, that understanding brings tremendous relief.
Instead of wondering, Why does this person make me so anxious?, you begin recognizing the dynamics at play.
Instead of spending hours rehearsing conversations, you learn to trust yourself.
And instead of trying to change someone who may not be willing to change, you begin focusing on what you can control.
You may not be able to change the other person. But you can absolutely change how you respond—and how much of your peace of mind you give away in the process.